Going Going Gone

My people, a quick one from the seat of power:(I sneaked off to do this in town, I suspect say dem don tamper with my server, to enter my own blog dey wan hard me...)

You must have heard this:

Kogi governor has been asked to waka by Election Tribunal

Kebbi Governor, and my boss' son-in-law, has been issued a tentative red card from the field of "chop"
Just this morning, Cele Omehia, kingpin of the richest state in Africa, was sacked without option of protest by the country's highest courts.

But you probably have not heard this:
More gominas are on the hit-list. Take this as confirmed. From someone who should know. I do not haunt the corridors of power for nothing.
The following gominas should - if they haven't started already - start packing their luggage, baggage, name-tags and official photos (framed handsomely in every ministry, bank, etc):

• Adebayo Alao Alamala Akala of Oyo



• Segun Agagu of Ondo



• Osunbor of Edo

If you like, say na me tell you o...

PS: (Ol'boy, I dey waka o. Ahmadu Ali just enter the cafe. If im see me here, my own don finish. Wetin de man come do here sef? OK, I don know. Im bin come google "Azerbaijan" - I bin here say na dere Presido dey post am as Ambassador. Poor Ahmadu. Im come use google find out where the country dey. And weda money dey dere or not. Yeye man. Na Naija Ambassador to North Pole dem for give am, make im go dey curse polar bear till him quench...

Larer

Nigerian banks 'use women' to lure customers????????????

Nigerian banks 'use women' to lure customers
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=68&art_id=nw20070913120635493C877298

Nigerian banks must stop using attractive women to persuade customers to open accounts, Senate President David Mark was quoted as saying in Thursday's newspapers.
Mark said that despite a consolidation of the sector in 2005 that reduced the number of banks to 25 from 89 and was supposed to make them more efficient, many banks still used women to attract new business.
"Banks have made it a policy to employ beautiful ladies and give them targets to meet," Mark said during the inauguration of the new Senate committee on banking and insurance on Wednesday.
"This is unacceptable and must stop. You ordered the consolidation, so I think you must do something to stop it," he said, addressing officials of the central bank.
"We thought that with the consolidation in the banking sector, the banks will have enough money and capacity to get customers. Why is it that all these girls are now moving around hustling as if they are looking for something other than money?"

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ABEG MY PEOPLE, MAKE UNA TRY READ DE STORY AGAIN. DE TITLE SAY NAIJA BANKS DEY USE "WOMEN" ATTRACT DEPOSIT. WOMEN, SIMPLE. DE BODY OF THE TORI COME CHANGE AM TO "ATTRACTIVE WOMEN":

"Nigerian banks must stop using ATTRACTIVE WOMEN to persuade customers to open accounts, Senate President David Mark was quoted as saying in Thursday's newspapers."

SO NA WOWO WOMAN MAKE OUR BANK DEY USE ABI? ABEG, MR DAVID MARKED, MAKE I ASK YOU QUESTION. (ABEG NOR VEX O, SAY AS I BE CIVIL SERVANT PLUS POLITICAL APPOINTEE, WETIN GIVE ME AUTHORITY TO DEY CHALLENGE A WHOLE MR. SENATE PRESIDO):

NA MY QUESTION BE DIS:

IMAGINE DIS:

YOU DEY SIDDON FOR OFFICE, ONE EARLY MOMO, DEY TRY USE CALCULATOR CALCULATE HOW MUCH YOU GO NEED RENOVATE YOUR RESIDENCE, OR WEDA IM GO PAY PASS MAKE YOU UPGRADE AM INSTEAD, UR SEKETARY COME ENTA TELL YOU SAY WAN WOMAN DEY FIND YOU, SAY SHE SAY SHE DEY WORK FOR XYZ BANK PLC. YOU SAY MAKE DE GIRL ENTER. THE GIRL ENTA. AS SHE ENTA, YOU FIRST NO SURE WEDA SHE BE MAN ABI SHE BE WOMAN, SHE WOWO SO TAY, SENATE MACE VEX, FALL FOR IM STAND FOR BEHIND YOUR DESK. SHE WEAR SKIRT WEY BE LIKE WEDDING GOWN, COME WEAR ONE JACKET WEY DE WOOL DEY STAND LIKE SAY GOOSE PIMPLES CATCH THE CLOTH. IM TEETH BE LIKE SAY IM DON DEY CHOP KOLA FROM SINCE IM MAMA WOMB. YANSH, IM NOR GET. IM HAIR BE LIKE SAY MAKE YOU VEX CARRY PHONE ASK MADAM ETTEH MAKE IM COME SEE CLIENT WEY GO NEED IM MAGIC HAIRDRESSING TOUCH. WHEN DE WOMAN COME OPEN MOUTH, BEGIN DEY SPEAK, NA IM MOUTH ODOUR OFF YOUR CALCULATOR ONE TIME...

NOW, TELL ME, SIR, HOW YOU GO TAKE GIVE DAT KIN' WOWO DEPOSIT MOBILISATION OFFICER ONE KOBO OF YOUR MONEY? HOW YOU WAN TAKE OPEN ACCOUNT FOR DAT KIND BANK WEY FIT SEND WOWO CHIC COMOT. IMPOSSICANT!

BUT THEN, CONSIDER AM LIKE DIS O. IF YOU NO PATRONISE AM, GIVE AM DEPOSIT, HOW OGA TONY AND OGA JIM AND OGA AIG AND OGA LADI AND OGA ERASTUS AND OGA MADAM CECILIA, HOW DEM GO TAKE CHOP? HOW DEM GO TAKE BUY FINE FINE CAR? HOW DEM GO TAKE PAY ALL DOSE FAT FAT DIVIDEND? HOW OGA JIM GO TAKE BUY AIRCONDITION SPEEDBOAT? HOW IM GO TAKE ANNOUNCE ALL THOSE MAGIC NUMBERS WEY DEY Z.B. ANNUAL REPORT?

AM I COMMUNICATING?

SO, THE PURPOSE OF MY ARGUMENTATION IS HOPEFULLY TO CONVINCE YOU DAT OUR BANKS NEED ATTRACTIVE GIRLS. DAT IS WHY OUR BANKS SUPPOSE BEGIN DEY SPONSOR BEAUTY PAGEANT LIKE NO MAN'S BUSINESS. WINNERS WILL BE GIVEN AUTOMATIC EMPLOYMENT AS MARKETERS A.K.A DEPOSIT MOBILISATION AND MAINTENANCE EXECUTIVE.

21ST CENTURY NAIJA BANK JOB VACANCY ADVERT:

OUR CLIENT NA BIG NIGERIAN TOP-25 BANK. DEM DEY FIND BANKING EXECUTIVE. FEMALES ONLY SHOULD APPLY. MALES, FUCK OFF!INTERESTED APPLICANTS MAKE UNA APPLY WITH 12 COLOURED 5 BY 7 PHOTO, AND ONE PACKET OF USED CONDOMS WITH EVIDENCE SAY NA UNA USE AM OR NA ON TOP UNA DEM USE AM. BRA-AND-PINT WEARING WOMEN, PLEASE STAY AT HOME. NO SHOW UNA FACE FOR HERE!!!!! MAKE UNA GO JOIN CHOIR.

CONCLUSIONS

ABEG STOP DISCRIMINATION AGAINST FINE FINE GALS JARE. ALL FINE CHIQUITOS IN THE HOUSE, CARRY GO!!!!! IF YOU SHARP, MAKE UNA INVADE NATIONAL ASSEMBLY QUICK QUICK. NA DERE DEPOSIT MONEY BOKU PASS. DE BALANCE OF DAT 628 MILLION RENOVATION MONEY GO STILL DEY SOME GHANA-MUST-TO-GO SOMEWHERE FOR NATIONAL ASSEMBLY PREMISES, MAKE YOU HURRY GO SHAKE BOOTY AT OUR LAWMAKERS MAKE DEM DEPOSIT THE MONEY FOR BANK. GOD BLESS YOU AS YOU DO SO. HALLELUJAH! I TELL YOU, YOUR LIVES WILL NOT REMAIN THE SAME AGAIN...

PS. DE WAY OGA SENATOR GENERAL MARKED DEY TALK, E BE LIKE SAY SOME OF THOSE GALS DON SHOW AM O... NO BE ME TALK AM O... IF MY ABUJA OGAS CATCH ME SAY A WHOLE BLOGGER-GENERAL NA IM DEY MISYARN LIKE DIS, HMMMM.... NA ANDOAKAA (ABI WETIN BE OGA ATTORNEY GENERAL NAME AGAIN) GO FINISH MY LIFE...

Una Nor Ask of Me, Yeye Fans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My People, abeg nor vex. Chei! You nor go believe am o! I forget say I get blog. To God who made me! I forget complete! I just notice say something dey wey dey miss for my life, I nor remember the ting. Na im I come remind say: Ol'boy! Idiot-General, you bin get blog o! Like Madam wey don forget soup for fire, na im i run come blogkitchen see say the blog wey I put for fire don burn finish. Chei!

I bin dey expect say my comments for don reach like 1 million... ol'boy, na small dem use pass ten o. I dey find that cowhorn wey Mr. Fineboy dey use pull im crowd o, make him mix me dat concussion make my blog popular... If dat one nor work, na Presidential Power we go use. I go just make sure say Government pass law say all naija blogs - apart from the Office of the Blogger General - must pay VAT on every post - 10,000 naira (no receipt) per posting. I go come hold the monopoly of blogging, I go become the Dangote of Blogging. All of una go jus' bankrupt one time. Blogville go come become like cemetery:

• Here lies Mr Naija Fineboy's blog: 2006 - 2007.
• RIP - Baba Alaaye's blog (2006 - 2007)
• In Memoriam - Laspapi's blog (2006 - 2007)
• To Live in the hearts of those you love is not to die - Catwalq's blog (2006 - 2007)
• With gratitude to God for a blog well posted, we regret to announce the demise of our dearly beloved blog, grandblog and greatgrandblog, sani's-inSANIty.blogspot.com which sad event occured on the -- of ---, 200- in the steaming laps of two indian blogolets (blog-kokolets).

Meanwhile,

• TIME MAGAZINE BLOG OF THE YEAR 2096 - BLOGGER GENERAL'S BLOG

he he he.... sorry for the digression

I beg una all. All my non-existent fans who have wasted transport money over and over again, coming to this blog, and receiving disappointment. I promise I shall refund all una transport money. it will not happen again.

But make we nor lie. Una no like me. Your own Blogger-General. Nobodi ask wheda EFCC flood don sweep me comot.

Make I tell una the reasons why I take forget blog:

1) Desperate Housewives. na in your blogger-general dey watch.

2) PHCN. Oga Umaru don command say Villa nor go dey use generator again. na PHCN we dey use. Leadership by example. If light nor dey, and gen nor dey, how I wan take blog blog?

3) EFCC. The fear of Nuhu is the beginning of contentment. Every night na dream I dey dream. Say Nuhu dey chase me. We plenti wey dey run. we jus dey run. Nuhu sef nor be one person for dat dream o. Na plenti Nuhu just hol' cutlass dey chase all of us. Na run we jus dey run. E get one ex-Governor (names withheld) wey dey run eh, im dey run, im breast (na man o, nor be woman, but breast dey) dey run, im stomach dey run, im cheek dey run, de back of im neck dey run. I dey wake up dey sweat. When I wake up I dey wonder why Nuhu dey chase me for dream. I never tief any money. Dem never give me budget, how I wan take tief money. Abi person fit tief im own personal money?

4) Search for First Lady of the Office of the Blogger General:
Na de koko be dis. The office of the Blogger General dey find befitting first lady for the position. Make una watch out for the vacancy wen im comot. But im go tough o.
The successful candidate must to pass plenty hurdles

- security screening (SSS, FIIB, Police, Civil Defence, NIA, Lastma, VIO, Army, OPC etc)

- IQ test.

- Senate Screwing, sorry, Screening...

- Father-in-Law test: (De rule of the Befitting Father-in-Law states that: If your Papa na poor man, then take heart. Na destiny. Person no fit choose im Papa. But if your father in law na poor man, na almighty everlasting bombastical mugun u be)

OK. dat one don do.

Story story! Story story! Story Story!

Una hia of the oyinbo wey buy Bar Beach?

Na for dat Abacha time o... wen 419 still dey 100 level. Dis Oyinbo man, na im dem sell Bar Beach to am o. If you see de signatures wey de 419 boys take pack full the C of O. Na all the signature and thumbprint of all de head of state, prime minister, and governor general wey don rule dis country since 1914 na im dem forge pack full for the C of O.

De Oyinbo man convince one time.

Na when im land Naija, with im Julius Berger crane and machine, after dem don pack full for Bar Beach wan begin construction, na then wey kasala burst. Dem come begin dey tell am say as im come from yankee come buy bar beach, na de equivalent of say person comot naija go buy statue of liberty.

Wetin remind me of de tori? Na Osoufia song "I go chop your dollar". The yeye man carry de song go do show for Holland, dey sing "I go chop ya dollar". Na handcuff im chop last last. I hia say Oyinbo police raid de show pack almost all the naija wey dey dere enter prison. Na Osoufia cause am. Why im go dey go sing dat kin song for Oyinbo land, dey taunt dem?

Na so Basket Mouth sef go Austria a while ago dey go misyarn, tink say na joke im dey crack. All dese yeye people wey luck smile upon, collect visa, enter oyinbo man land, make person go warn dem say oyinbo man land nor be nigeria, ponmo nor be leather...

What the Enemies did to Laspapi's Name

Laspapi na winch o. Im put me live for the Laspapi -ovation Times newspaper front page, na instantly wey i become the first and only celebrity blogger in naija... the visitors book for my office don full sef pass the visitors book for the presidential office... Laspapi, I salute una o. Thank you for de honor wey una do me o.

In reciprocation of de goodwill na im i say make i slot laspapi name into the presidential list of nominees for political appointment aka "come-and-eat-and-clean-mouth-and-go-away". I recommend Laspapi to President Yar'Adua for the position of "Acting Deputy Senior Special Assistant to the President on Celtel phone calls, yahoomail, and Hi5 matters". The occupier of dis position na im work to dey carry the calls wey enta the Presidential Celtel line, to dey open the presidential yahoo mail, and to dey maintain the presidential profile on Hi5. Na powerful position o, i tell you.

But, i no know say ota po ju enemy lo... (opponent plenty pass enemy). By the time de list dey reach national assembly for discussion, somebody don do magic substitute laspapi name comot de list.

Chei, people wicked o! i no know who substitute dat name comot. e pain me o. de way we dey tamper with list for this naija i tire o. na monkey go win governosrship primaries na baboon go come contest election. na one person go do interview, pass, na another person go come resume job. Na boli go do work till month end, na epa go come collect salary!

Na Mr. A kill Bola Ige, na Mr B. Ehindero go parade for NTA say na de murderer be dat. (Btw Ehindero for kuku tell us say na dat same drug baron kill Alfred Rewane, Dikibo, Dele Giwa, Funso Williams, Dr. Daramola, Harry Marshal, etc etc)

U hia de tori of the naija football team (under-21 abi na under-19) wey go soccer competition for Israel? After dem don win competition finish na im all of dem find their levels o; enta jerusalem and gaza strip and west bank and bethlehem in search of pastures greener than a soccer pitch. The whole team o, plus including coach. dem miss completely. Na im another set of naija players wey also don collect israel visa quickly enter Jerusalem from Lagos to COLLECT the Cup. As those ones too collect cup finish, na im dem sef miss for israel o... the stupid israel people no know say no be de same team wey win competition wey collect cup...

na dat same way wey sunny ade and KWAM 1 and Obey band dey miss for european tour... imagine, the poor musician go carry complete band enta europe for band, but when showtime come, na soundtrack im go use sing because all im boys don wave comot... na full band dem go carry go, na only instrument and band leader go take return flight to naija

How old is Garba Lawal?

My peoples, I get question for una: How many CVs una get?

As the Maurice Ribadu of bloggistan, all dese kin' fraud fraud matters na im dey incite, sorry, excite me. Chei! It is good to have a job after many years of contributing to Guardian's Profit After Tax o... (Tue and Thur Guardian) he he he.

I dey waka up and down the informational 3rd mainland bridge superhighway na im I jam dat buka wey dem dey call nairaland. Na im I see say some murrafokas don comot shirt dey eschange blow over the age of our footballers.

http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-55467.0.html

Na de one wey kolo me pas be Agbero Luvhenry wey say:

from a very relaible source
okocha late 40's
kanu 42 dot
oruma 57.
mr garba lawal between 65 and 70
taribo is in his late 50's almost 60

I laugh laugh laugh i wan kolo. I laugh laugh laugh so tey President Musa (my office for Villa no far from im own) send im houseboy, F. Fanny-Kay to come ask me say wezin zey woarry my head.

Hear wetin Egbon Lafile talk:

Wow!Wilson Oruma played U17 in 1993. His younger brother was my senior in primary school some 10 years earlier in warri. I was 18 in 1993. Go figure.Furo Eyenemi played under 21 in 1999. Informed Sources from P/Harcourt say he was a contemporary of Tarila Okorowanta. Tarila retired from the Green Eagles in the mid 1980's. Go figure.Okoye, the goal tender for the 1999 U21 team was bald, a university graduate and a father before thE Nigeria 99 Championship. Go figure.Dont let me talk about Phillip Osondu.

Laugh wan cash me die.

Me i don know say dose our playas na caterpillar dem take demolish their age. If me I go play soccer for naija, walahi na under 12 i go play. Once I shave off dis yeye beard, i dey look like new born pikin sef.
Dat reminds me, e get one of my guys like dat wey get like four diferren CV, labelled A, B, C, D. Each of the ages for the CV dey different. So when im apply for one job, im go open file. Another application, another file.

Globacom: CV C
MTN: CV B
CELTEL: CV A

when dem call am for interview, im go go archives go check which CV im use apply. De nite before im interview im go come go dey jack im own CV like say im get exam for the next day... dey cram im own CV, make im no go carry CV A info for CV C own.

Why we com be crook like dis for naija.
I dey use dis opportunity place warning say, any blogger wey my office catch, wey dey involve shimself in crooked crooked something, na im and Nuhu go enta leg for the same trouser o.

Siiiiiir!

Goodluck don call me be dat o. Maybe im wan make I go help am fetch water make im take evening bath. Na houseboy I be abi na blogger-general? I no go dey take dis kin' nonsense o...

Siiiiir! I dey come o ...

Are Idols are not from West Africa?

Idols. West Africa. Before nko?

Finally, baba God don deliver all our bloggers from the power of orisa (idols). I don dey fast dey pray since say make Almighty God and Holy Spirit do generational deliverance for dis our idol-worshipping generation.

When i see handsome guys and handsome gal dey chase Idol like say na from village dem dey remote dem, fear catch me for dis generation. Everywhere person turn, na idol. I come confuse. Wetin dey responsible for the emergence of Sango, Eshu, Obatala, etc etc for dis blackberry, ipod age.

De time wey I first hia idol, I dey wonder. Sango don get reality show for DSTV? As I come no get DSTV now (I neva become Blogger-General dat time) I no understan’ de ting. De last time I hia anything about Sango, Amadioha and co na dat time wey Baba ex-presido appoint plane-dropping Borishade as Minister of Culture.

Immediately the appointment enter news naim the gods carry placard go Aso Rock say make Baba comot Borishade from their ministry. Dem dey fear say, as Borishade dey drop plane, naim im go take carry im bad luck come the council of the gods. So dem carry the placard go Aso Villa, but Baba and Atiku dey fight dat time, so baba no get time.
I bin tink say the gods go resign their position. Hope come dey for my jobless soul say I go fit send application:

Application for the Position of god of women and money:

Dear Eledumare/Chukwu

In reference to the resignation of the following gods: Sango, Ogun, Obatala, Amadioha and Eshu, I hereby humbly apply to be considered as a replacement for any one of them. Or better still, you may use your good office to create a new portfolio for me: god of women, wine and money. I will not disappoint you Sir. I will be the first god to have an email address, amongst many other things.

Yours truly,
Me.

oh boy, I gatto run now, meeting dey with the new Presido dis momo. Catch ya larer. Gist dey o...

Parashute, Aeromplane, "Waving" govs

Abeg, before you read this article, if una get long ting' abeg go take the boxers survey organised by my office below.

I jus' read yesterday Punch newspaper now, na so so news of naija governors wey dey take off to Spain and Cameroon and Gambia and Iraq na im full the paper. Dem dey wave make Nuhu no "tafa" (Yoruba word for "arrow"; or name of fmr Naija armed robbery kingpin - pik ya choose) dem.

100m dash to nearest border (how potbelly go gree dem?)
http://punchontheweb.com/Articl.aspx?theartic=Art200705271313685

Atiku's bandage removal
http://punchontheweb.com/Articl.aspx?theartic=Art200705271322590

Chimaroke Nnamani
http://punchontheweb.com/Articl.aspx?theartic=Art200705271341871

Orji bobo don hand over sharp sharp. Dem say im wan go Gambia. Odili, dem say im don charter aeromcopter to spiderman himself out of nuhu's reach.

Dem say some govs go take Seme border, some na bakassi peninsula - those ones go be southsouth govs, wey sabe swim well well; some go take Chad, abi na Borno, i sure say some go use parashute abi na kite fly comot this countri.

the question na dis: which kin' criminals we come select for power like dis, wey na so so run dem sabe do.

Even atiku don move, dem say im go remove bandage for im leg wey im break before elections. it is sad for this naija o, wey all our big-mouth doctor no sabe remove bandage again.

Walahi, if i be presido for naija, na for Germany i go dey go do my morning toilet! wetin concorde jet dey for?