How old is Garba Lawal?

My peoples, I get question for una: How many CVs una get?

As the Maurice Ribadu of bloggistan, all dese kin' fraud fraud matters na im dey incite, sorry, excite me. Chei! It is good to have a job after many years of contributing to Guardian's Profit After Tax o... (Tue and Thur Guardian) he he he.

I dey waka up and down the informational 3rd mainland bridge superhighway na im I jam dat buka wey dem dey call nairaland. Na im I see say some murrafokas don comot shirt dey eschange blow over the age of our footballers.

http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-55467.0.html

Na de one wey kolo me pas be Agbero Luvhenry wey say:

from a very relaible source
okocha late 40's
kanu 42 dot
oruma 57.
mr garba lawal between 65 and 70
taribo is in his late 50's almost 60

I laugh laugh laugh i wan kolo. I laugh laugh laugh so tey President Musa (my office for Villa no far from im own) send im houseboy, F. Fanny-Kay to come ask me say wezin zey woarry my head.

Hear wetin Egbon Lafile talk:

Wow!Wilson Oruma played U17 in 1993. His younger brother was my senior in primary school some 10 years earlier in warri. I was 18 in 1993. Go figure.Furo Eyenemi played under 21 in 1999. Informed Sources from P/Harcourt say he was a contemporary of Tarila Okorowanta. Tarila retired from the Green Eagles in the mid 1980's. Go figure.Okoye, the goal tender for the 1999 U21 team was bald, a university graduate and a father before thE Nigeria 99 Championship. Go figure.Dont let me talk about Phillip Osondu.

Laugh wan cash me die.

Me i don know say dose our playas na caterpillar dem take demolish their age. If me I go play soccer for naija, walahi na under 12 i go play. Once I shave off dis yeye beard, i dey look like new born pikin sef.
Dat reminds me, e get one of my guys like dat wey get like four diferren CV, labelled A, B, C, D. Each of the ages for the CV dey different. So when im apply for one job, im go open file. Another application, another file.

Globacom: CV C
MTN: CV B
CELTEL: CV A

when dem call am for interview, im go go archives go check which CV im use apply. De nite before im interview im go come go dey jack im own CV like say im get exam for the next day... dey cram im own CV, make im no go carry CV A info for CV C own.

Why we com be crook like dis for naija.
I dey use dis opportunity place warning say, any blogger wey my office catch, wey dey involve shimself in crooked crooked something, na im and Nuhu go enta leg for the same trouser o.

Siiiiiir!

Goodluck don call me be dat o. Maybe im wan make I go help am fetch water make im take evening bath. Na houseboy I be abi na blogger-general? I no go dey take dis kin' nonsense o...

Siiiiir! I dey come o ...

Are Idols are not from West Africa?

Idols. West Africa. Before nko?

Finally, baba God don deliver all our bloggers from the power of orisa (idols). I don dey fast dey pray since say make Almighty God and Holy Spirit do generational deliverance for dis our idol-worshipping generation.

When i see handsome guys and handsome gal dey chase Idol like say na from village dem dey remote dem, fear catch me for dis generation. Everywhere person turn, na idol. I come confuse. Wetin dey responsible for the emergence of Sango, Eshu, Obatala, etc etc for dis blackberry, ipod age.

De time wey I first hia idol, I dey wonder. Sango don get reality show for DSTV? As I come no get DSTV now (I neva become Blogger-General dat time) I no understan’ de ting. De last time I hia anything about Sango, Amadioha and co na dat time wey Baba ex-presido appoint plane-dropping Borishade as Minister of Culture.

Immediately the appointment enter news naim the gods carry placard go Aso Rock say make Baba comot Borishade from their ministry. Dem dey fear say, as Borishade dey drop plane, naim im go take carry im bad luck come the council of the gods. So dem carry the placard go Aso Villa, but Baba and Atiku dey fight dat time, so baba no get time.
I bin tink say the gods go resign their position. Hope come dey for my jobless soul say I go fit send application:

Application for the Position of god of women and money:

Dear Eledumare/Chukwu

In reference to the resignation of the following gods: Sango, Ogun, Obatala, Amadioha and Eshu, I hereby humbly apply to be considered as a replacement for any one of them. Or better still, you may use your good office to create a new portfolio for me: god of women, wine and money. I will not disappoint you Sir. I will be the first god to have an email address, amongst many other things.

Yours truly,
Me.

oh boy, I gatto run now, meeting dey with the new Presido dis momo. Catch ya larer. Gist dey o...

Parashute, Aeromplane, "Waving" govs

Abeg, before you read this article, if una get long ting' abeg go take the boxers survey organised by my office below.

I jus' read yesterday Punch newspaper now, na so so news of naija governors wey dey take off to Spain and Cameroon and Gambia and Iraq na im full the paper. Dem dey wave make Nuhu no "tafa" (Yoruba word for "arrow"; or name of fmr Naija armed robbery kingpin - pik ya choose) dem.

100m dash to nearest border (how potbelly go gree dem?)
http://punchontheweb.com/Articl.aspx?theartic=Art200705271313685

Atiku's bandage removal
http://punchontheweb.com/Articl.aspx?theartic=Art200705271322590

Chimaroke Nnamani
http://punchontheweb.com/Articl.aspx?theartic=Art200705271341871

Orji bobo don hand over sharp sharp. Dem say im wan go Gambia. Odili, dem say im don charter aeromcopter to spiderman himself out of nuhu's reach.

Dem say some govs go take Seme border, some na bakassi peninsula - those ones go be southsouth govs, wey sabe swim well well; some go take Chad, abi na Borno, i sure say some go use parashute abi na kite fly comot this countri.

the question na dis: which kin' criminals we come select for power like dis, wey na so so run dem sabe do.

Even atiku don move, dem say im go remove bandage for im leg wey im break before elections. it is sad for this naija o, wey all our big-mouth doctor no sabe remove bandage again.

Walahi, if i be presido for naija, na for Germany i go dey go do my morning toilet! wetin concorde jet dey for?

Underwear for 3rd Term

my peeps. hi. wussuppin. I have this issue that has been bugging my mind like no mans business. It's a male matter, so any woman who puts mouth inside will be summarily dealt with. Let me start here. when we were in school, one of my guys, Mr A, was known for wearing one boxer per semester. ie, the distance between two washings na one semester. he only undressed from the boxers to take his bath, and promptly resumed into them. On the other hand however is my humble self, blogger-general. I am a man of one boxer one day. yes. i wear a boxer in the moring, wear it to sleep, and the next moring i off it. chikena. if i do second term with the boxer them it means that situation tight, ie no substitute. and in dat case of second term, i try to ensure that i off the boxer at night before i sleep, so dat it can regain some freshness in the moring before i resume into it.
i want to throw this issue open. how long should any decent son of man, and possessor of a long ting, wear a pair of boxers without allowing the boxers to see the Surf (in the same way Udeme dey allow the beer to see the sky).
share your experiences. what is the longest for which you have operated from the same boxer-HQ. are there any health implications in keeping the same boxers on your yansh for eternity. will there be boxers in heaven or hell? how do you wash your boxers, eventually when the senate of smell (B.O = boxer odour) says NO to seventh term. do you soak it overnight. or do you just dip in Omo (like say na advert) and squeeze. do you even wear boxers in the first place or are you a sailor. how many boxers do you have? one? u don ever steal or borrow person boxers before? the questions are endless, and so I assume, will be the answers.
Rush your own in, eh. As laspapi don dey do anthology of nigerian bloggers, maybe the office of the blogger general go do Boxerology of male nigerian bloggers. we might ask you to send in one copy of your boxers, worn but unwashed. might be a cool idea.
watch dis space

Make I take de Presidential Offer?

my peeps, una well done o. Good Afternoon. Bonjour, gbogbo e. Our God is good o. I was simply resting jejely on my own this afternoon when a knock came on my door. No, no be knock. This one na like say na arm robber. Gbagbagbogbo!

Me: Who be dat? Una no get door for your Papa house?

Knocker: A presidential message for you!

Me: Which kin' crase be dis one. Which President. The one wey dey comot abi the one wey dey wan enta.

Knocker: Mr -----, please open up.

Gbagbagbogbo on my door again. I vex, rush comot make i see who the marrafuka was wey dey come disturb me. I pick up 7 nos. copies of my Tuesday Guardian from my archives (dating back to 1996, na since then I don dey buy dat Tuesday Guardian - if una no know why person dey buy Tuesday Guardian, smallpox na in go catch ya blokos/breast) rollam into one giganmous kondo, say I go use am break person head this afternoon.

Me: (opening door): who be dis marra... eewo!

Na one big man wey I dey see well-well for tele wey i see dey tanda dere o. I piss small for my nysc trouser. (I still dey wear dat trouser after eleven years o. I be very careful person, cloth nor dey spoil for my hand)

Me: Good afternoon Oga honourable. Sorry, sorry for the rudeness. It didn't dawn on me that it was you. Sorry sir.

BigMan Knocker: No problem at all. I'm not here to waste your time. I'm here with a special message from the President. Here, take."

Na so im push the big envelope inside my hand. "Congratulations and Have a good day". Na so im waka o, im police follow am. them enter black 607, raise dust go.

My blood col' one time! Chineke mooo! Who I come offend now? Chei! Na me dem wan use take do Dele Giwa number 2? Wetin I do. me wey don jobless eleven years, na me dem wan come finish like dis? I com remember say im fit be the last election protest wey I carry big head go join wey don cause dis yawa o. For the whole crowd of jobless and angry youths, na only my face NTA show. No be lie. Dem even do close-up for my face.

My own don finish.

But, I no be mumu now. Cunnyman quench, na cunnyman go formalin am. Na so I get brainwave, go call my landlord for im room say make im come see wetin God don do me, i psyche am say as I dey owe am 4 years rent arrears na im make me choose am as the first person wey go hol' the cheque wey government jus' give me for services rendered to humanity.

Na im the greedy ting eye bulge... im dey hail me, say im don always know say I go make am one day, dat na why im no bounce me for house (which kin' yeye house... BQ of face-me-i-face-you block; the rat for my room satellite census sef no fit count dem). Na so im collect the parcel. I make sure say I waka back wellwell, I dey near window, dey ready to wave like Spiderman 3 when im tear the parcel.

As im open am, I close my eyes, put one leg for window sill. I dey wait make the parcel blow the marrafuka to kingdom come... I no hia anyting. Shoo! Abi na silent bomb. The next ting wey I go hear na "----- una dey crase o. God punish your generation. na me you dey deceive? wey the cheque?"

Na im i open eye see say oga landlord still dey alive o. i run go see the leta wey im dey hol'. Na the leta dey below, o my people. Make I accept the offer?

My Appointment Letter

The Office of the President of the Federal Republic of Naija

Aso Blog

Abuja

e: president@asorock.com

Dear Sir,

LIFE APPOINTMENT AS BLOGGER-GENERAL OF THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NAIJA

On behalf of the President and Commander-in-chief of the Federal Republic of Naija, I am pleased to inform you that, after extensive consultations and deliberations with the Federal Executive Council, the National Security Council, the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), the Nigerian Intelligence Agency, The National Council of Elders, the Chartered Institute of Blogging of Nigeria, amongst many other stakeholders, you have been, with unanimous approval, offered the position of Blogger-General of the Federal Republic of Naija, for Life, starting today, the 17th day of May, 2007

The terms, conditions, perks and perquisites of office are contained in Appendix 1. Appendix 2 contains details about your swearing-in ceremony, and the grand state dinner that is being planned in your honour

Accept my hearty felicitations on this historic appointment, and please feel free to get in touch with me with any questions you may have.

Yours Faithfully

Omosesuuru Kosibinu

Senior Special Assistant to the President on Blogging and Yahoo Msngrn