Make I take de Presidential Offer?

my peeps, una well done o. Good Afternoon. Bonjour, gbogbo e. Our God is good o. I was simply resting jejely on my own this afternoon when a knock came on my door. No, no be knock. This one na like say na arm robber. Gbagbagbogbo!

Me: Who be dat? Una no get door for your Papa house?

Knocker: A presidential message for you!

Me: Which kin' crase be dis one. Which President. The one wey dey comot abi the one wey dey wan enta.

Knocker: Mr -----, please open up.

Gbagbagbogbo on my door again. I vex, rush comot make i see who the marrafuka was wey dey come disturb me. I pick up 7 nos. copies of my Tuesday Guardian from my archives (dating back to 1996, na since then I don dey buy dat Tuesday Guardian - if una no know why person dey buy Tuesday Guardian, smallpox na in go catch ya blokos/breast) rollam into one giganmous kondo, say I go use am break person head this afternoon.

Me: (opening door): who be dis marra... eewo!

Na one big man wey I dey see well-well for tele wey i see dey tanda dere o. I piss small for my nysc trouser. (I still dey wear dat trouser after eleven years o. I be very careful person, cloth nor dey spoil for my hand)

Me: Good afternoon Oga honourable. Sorry, sorry for the rudeness. It didn't dawn on me that it was you. Sorry sir.

BigMan Knocker: No problem at all. I'm not here to waste your time. I'm here with a special message from the President. Here, take."

Na so im push the big envelope inside my hand. "Congratulations and Have a good day". Na so im waka o, im police follow am. them enter black 607, raise dust go.

My blood col' one time! Chineke mooo! Who I come offend now? Chei! Na me dem wan use take do Dele Giwa number 2? Wetin I do. me wey don jobless eleven years, na me dem wan come finish like dis? I com remember say im fit be the last election protest wey I carry big head go join wey don cause dis yawa o. For the whole crowd of jobless and angry youths, na only my face NTA show. No be lie. Dem even do close-up for my face.

My own don finish.

But, I no be mumu now. Cunnyman quench, na cunnyman go formalin am. Na so I get brainwave, go call my landlord for im room say make im come see wetin God don do me, i psyche am say as I dey owe am 4 years rent arrears na im make me choose am as the first person wey go hol' the cheque wey government jus' give me for services rendered to humanity.

Na im the greedy ting eye bulge... im dey hail me, say im don always know say I go make am one day, dat na why im no bounce me for house (which kin' yeye house... BQ of face-me-i-face-you block; the rat for my room satellite census sef no fit count dem). Na so im collect the parcel. I make sure say I waka back wellwell, I dey near window, dey ready to wave like Spiderman 3 when im tear the parcel.

As im open am, I close my eyes, put one leg for window sill. I dey wait make the parcel blow the marrafuka to kingdom come... I no hia anyting. Shoo! Abi na silent bomb. The next ting wey I go hear na "----- una dey crase o. God punish your generation. na me you dey deceive? wey the cheque?"

Na im i open eye see say oga landlord still dey alive o. i run go see the leta wey im dey hol'. Na the leta dey below, o my people. Make I accept the offer?